O N E M A N S A Y S
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Roll M e Home
Ta-te-ta-ta-dum. My name is Sourpuss. This is the city. The time is 6:10 a.m. I am waiting for a subway train at Times Square. I am g r o w i n g a full s e t of whiskers. Be cause t h e s e r v i c e is lousy. And I am standing up most of the w a y to Borough Hall. That’s t h e scene of the crime. This column is a felony. I get paid for it.
So I got the wrong script but please dear readers be gentle with me today. My head pul sates like a maiden lady’s heart all on account of those “Ter rible Turks," the fightingest, friendliest, most wonderful peo ple I have ever met outside of the United States. There was a dinner at the Waldorf last night, given by the American- Turkish Society in honor of President Bayar of the Turkish Republic, a smiling, gentle grandfather who is steering a straight course for a nation that once was very ill and now marches shoulder to shoulder with the great democracies of the world. If we could only have more such allies our troubles would vanish believe me.
But if you want to know what happened at the dinner you'll have to read about it somewhere else. We started out with Manhatians served in loving cups. Then there was a round of Scotch. (Brace your
self kid this bout has to go the distance). After that there was white burgundy (year 1947). Next came red burgundy (the year was blurred). Then cham pagne. Finally the waiter came around with cordials and asked my preference. I just pointed and got brandy.
During the dinner I-reached for a fork. My wife whispered in my good ear. “Wrong fork and be careful, that’s Amy Vanderbilt sitting next to you." Amy is a very nice girl des pite the fact she is the junior edition of Emily Post and dis penses etiquette in the hope that the uncouth like me will mend their ways. She does it for dough, too, and judging by her appearance, very success fully. Amy may get mad at this. Basically s h e ’s a genuwine (proof room: leave the spelling alone) human being. She was about to sneeze during an ora tion by Joseph C. Grew. And protocol demands that you don’t sneeze while Mr. Grew is on the rostrum. So Amy, even as you and I pressed a dainty finger against her upper lip and stifled the explosion. It was close but she made it. And in the interests of honest re porting I have to tell you s o m e t h i n g e l s e . Amy fell asleep on page fourteen of one of the speeches. She doesn’t snore and sleeps in a beautiful red, off the shoulder dress.
Lady on the other side of me was real chummy. Asked me my name and then without the aid of a lorgnette said, “Should I know you?”
"Definitely not,” I said, “I ’m from Brooklyn.”
behind us were three models, a blonde, a brunette and a red head. My wife kept saying, “Are you listening to me?” It was very distracting. When the beautiful creatures paid their check they found themselves fi nancially embarrassed and one of them had to cume up with carfare home for dll three. (Dear Amy ^Vanderbilt would it have been proper if I had staked them?)
Had a n o t h e r experience which has left a permanent scar. The Waldorf doorman called a taxi to take us to the Roosevelt. He was very gra cious and his uniform was prettier than a three-star gen eral's. Smallest bill I had was a five spot. And in change just a mass' of pennies I save for my son, John. So I said thank you. He slammed the door so hard the whole cab rocked and the driver gave me a dirty look. Haven’t been so embarrassed since I tripped while carrying the collection plate in church.
There U'ere no other inci dents worth reporting except don’t sell Dick Nixon short. He represented Ike at the dinner. He's loaded with charm and tact. Strictly a nice guy.
Next thing I knew the phone rang and the operator said, “Good morning, it is 5:30 a.m., sir.” How gruesome can you be? My wife opened one eye and said, “If there is a next time I won’t marry a news paperman.”
Does anybody want a hang over? They can have same by calling MAin 4-6200 and ask for Sourpuss (that’s me).
Before the dinner we had
